Monday, December 21, 2009

Continued Frustration

D-Day. Three days and counting and I still haven't gotten all of my Christmas shopping done. Oh, the kids are taken care of, save for the occasional stocking stuffer and whatnot and that's great. And the better part of our family is bought for as well, parents, brothers, sisters, and their kids as well. But, well, call me unsuitably frustrated, to date, I've only purchased one thing for my wife and it's driving me crazy!

Now, you might be thinking, "That's what you get for waiting till the last minute!" But you'd be wrong because I would've loved to have been shopping for the past month, allowing this frustration and the hecticness to lay itself aside. But sadly, and I know I'm whining again, we've just not had the funds. A shift in jobs, purchasing a house, and the subsequent renovation have taken their toll and, while we've food to eat, clothes to wear, and all the good American virtues of living, we're still recovering. And thus my Christmas shopping is at a standstill.

So why's it driving me crazy? Why am I so frustrated, so malcontent with the blessings I have? I just can't put my finger on it but for whatever reason that's exactly what I am: malcontent. I'm a blessed man and I'm longing for more, more money, more resources, more stuff. And I do this with the full understanding that more stuff, more possessions, more money all bring with them more headaches, more responsibilities, and, in many cases, more problems.

On top of that, I can't shake this arrogant feeling that I deserve more. As though I'm worthy of it. As though I've earned it. In some ways, very human ways, perhaps there's some truth to that. I'm earning more, working hard, and am doing the best I can to be the best me. But, the best me simply isn't enough. I'll never be enough to deserve all the blessings that I've been given. But still I long for more...

Are these longings wrong? Selfish? Arrogant? Part of me says yes, the other part says no. And, three days before Christmas, I find myself in a battle with myself. Happy holidays.

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